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Thursday, July 27th, 2006
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12:24 am - Moving on Out!
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SO!
I moved out of my house today! :D
My sister woke me up at ten ( that's early for me ) and said that she was bringing Jordan's truck so that we could move our things into the new house.
SO-- we MOVED! I'd be there at the house now but...I wasn't able to move my mattress. So, happily, I get one more night in my parent's house!
I'm sad because I wasn't going to tell Kara that I was moving BUT--my sister told her! >>; I wanted her to come back from San Fransisco and be SUPER SURPRISED that I moved! :''''( It would have been an AWESOME surprise! But, alas.
So, my room is borderline cute. I still have a lot of work to do.
I'm so excited!
This is my FIRST TIME being out of my parents house! I hope I can make it!
It's silly...but two SIMPLE things about moving that make me the happiest are that...
A. I can walk to the library whenever I want.
B. I am hoping to get snail mail at my new house! How excited!
Both those things make me really happy!
I guess simple things in life are the best.
I wish that I could see Kara though. But, she's leaving in two or so weeks. ;_; That will be SO HARD. But-- I'm going to support her through all of it. I just hope she'll keep in touch with me.
WOOHOO! I will be finishing up moving tomorrow! :D AH!
I'm scared. Terrified.
current mood:  anxious
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(comment on this)
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| Tuesday, June 6th, 2006
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5:03 pm
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( Bad News for You... )
Well, its been an uneventful day. I've been on the computer all day. Doing...lame things. :D But, hopefully I won't be bored tomorrow.
I think I should go into photoshop and color a picture. My gallery needs an update.
I really wish I could stop being so sensitive. Everything can get to me really, really, really quickly.
Oh no! I forgot to write about my four day date!
I should do that soon.
But, I've had a really hard time remembering what I've been doing.
My counselor called...I'm too scared to call her back. Because...I basically dropped out of counseling. And I'm embarrassed to call.
She said we needed closure. But, I'm afraid once I tell her some things...I'll be back on a contract. Oi. Oi. Oi.
What to do? What to do?
current mood:  bored
current music: Tori Amos -- Silent All These Years
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2:14 am - Learn about me! I dare you!
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| Saturday, June 3rd, 2006
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11:06 pm
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(FOR TOMORROW...)
Daily Overview
June 04, 2006
Yes, you have flaws -- and thank goodness. Without them, you'd be a robot. They're part of you to help you learn, so stop beating yourself up for making perfectly normal mistakes. Be tender with your psyche.
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| Friday, June 2nd, 2006
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11:53 pm - Really.
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I'm doing alright. I'm doing okay. Really.
I've felt free all week.
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| Wednesday, May 31st, 2006
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1:24 pm - hahaha...I suck.
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Daily Overview
May 31, 2006
It's time to switch your focus. All this concentrating on money has made you dull. It's time to spark up your creative side, not to mention your social life. Gather your friends together and seek out some fun.
Oh really...?
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| Saturday, May 27th, 2006
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12:10 am - Now, Onto The Rebound.
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I've been talking to the most interesting boy. I'd like to say it was love at first sight but I've always been afraid of him.
He's dangerous but would never hurt anyone. Intentionally.
He's not perfect and he doesn't want to be. He feels that his flaws are his strength and he absolutely despises being told he's wrong.
No one can change his mind. He is a free thinker. He doesn't censor his thoughts. But, unfortunaltely, he also doesn't censor the things he says.
He's hurt me countless times. He's called me weak and pathetic. He's convinced me to see the faults in those who hurt me and slap them in face with them. He says he'll be there when I can't stop shaking but he disconnects.
I always can hear his voice. And it's louder now.
I think we're deeply, madly, and dangerously in love.
Or, we're obsessed.
We've tried to keep it our little secret. But, it's gotten extremely hard to lie to everyone.
My friends, the ones who have met him, are scared of his effect on me. They don't tell me to leave him because they know I never, easily, could.
We're so completely lost. We spend hours staring at the ceiling, wondering if we can make it through another day.
A pact.
He's a strength but my downfall, as well.
He's always talking with me now. Not a fantasy. He won't stand not to be real to me. He says I need him and that he's the only one who knows what I'm going through. He knows what I have to do and he encourages it. He says it heals the pain of my broken heart. He says it will numb me and make me able to last through everything I'm told.
He says that there are lies that my love won't tell and that it was the same with him. He knows what I'm going through, he's been there. When he says,
" All you'll want is the truth. If they love you...they will tell you. But, you and I both know what it's like to feel completely unwanted..."
He holds out options when he says this. His knack for this has always amazed me.
He continues,
" After they tell you...you can't help it... You can't stop it... But, you don't know what to do with yourself. So, you can only do one thing. Become the nothing they always seem to forget."
I hate it when he talks about it. I can never actually remember how he words it...but he makes my heartache make sense. He knows how I feel and can't do anything else except make me see it.
He's dangerous. And he's real.
We're in love.
We're obsessed.
We have a pact.
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| Friday, May 26th, 2006
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11:52 pm
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Tuesday felt like the ground collapsed beneath me.
Tuesday night made me hopeful.
Wednesday and Thursday were nice.
Friday morning was good.
Now, I feel very...
Twelve steps forward. Thirty-seven back.
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| Monday, May 22nd, 2006
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1:52 am - I want you to keep breathing without me
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I'll never again be good enough.
I just need to swallow that.
Absorb it.
Make it part of me.
Realize that I am not worthy of someone so wonderful.
And never will be.
But, I want the best for them.
Because, I could not be selfish.
Not when the world is so full of great opportunities for them.
They will be completely fine without me.
I'll never again be good enough.
I hate this about myself. That when I say something to this person...inside I'm just begging for a second, a third, a seven-hundred and sixty-fifth chance! I know I'm hard to be around. I know I get strange and sad and self-destructive. It must be hell for the other person. I know it is.
But, there was a comfort knowing that there was someone who admired me and thought the world of me. I felt safe knowing that one person could handle any confession with compassion and without judgment. I always loved to be held and comforted by a soft voice and non-threatening strength.
I love my love... and love is no more.
I think if I sang that song now, my heart would completely shatter because I have lived the song. Those words will now bring to the surface all the pain caused because of how strongly I loved them. I will now choke on the words and use them to break the barrier of un-cried sobs.
I hate that I lost my faith in you. You aren't around now when I need you the most. And I wish that I was a strong enough person to tread through this alone. But, right now...the more I try the closer I get to giving up and ending. I'm embarrassed that I still need your outstretched hands to clasp to. But, in all honesty, I can't make it through without you.
I hate it. The fact that I need you when you need to explore and enrich yourself. You have so much potential and so many people love you and are waiting to applaud your successes. I will always be in the front row, watching you with awe and unwavering love and devotion.
And yet...
I'm so afraid of you moving on. Because I know what it is like to be dropped by you. I hit the ground and shattered into thousands of fractured strands. I know now what it feels like to be cut off from you. I watch you with everyone else around you and wonder why you threw me aside. You wouldn't have the heart to do it to anyone else.
I'm sorry for being so in need of you. Its a horrible truth that I have to face. I'm ashamed that I can't just keep my mouth shut, keeping in the pain I feel and yet wearing a smile with you. It isn't fair to involve you in these problems I keep having. You have enough to worry about. It is selfish to expect help from someone who needs space from me.
I can't do that to you. I fear that I feel for you too much. I hate to bring you pain and stress. You are much too good a person for me to do that to you.
But, I also can't make it through my life without you. I feel like I'll be over soon. I'll become a memory of yours. Possibly a regret. And this reminds me of our book. Even though she killed herself, he could always reflect on her with love and compassion. It was't easy for him to be around her. And even though he spoke about so many difficult times with her, he always seemed to have something beautiful to say about her. I would quote the book now...but, I can't seem to remember what I want to say.
You've been my love. I want you to continue to be my love...but I will never force you to love me.
I would rather experience the deep and suffocating pain of losing you because of my own inability to heal, rather than knowing it was something you did. You didn't bring on the change of feelings toward me. I did. I never wanted to get better. I was too scared of taking steps toward being alright. You dealt with me and you became tired. And now, we're over. All because I couldn't prove that I loved you enough. I would rather ache my whole life rather than forget how we used to feel for eachother. Although, my feelings have not really changed... ( unfortunately, they have only grown more intense )...I will let you live your life free from the woes I would bring upon you.
And I'm not afraid of hurting after you officially tell me to leave...
You are worth all the heartache in the world.
current music: Tattle Tale -- Glass Vase, Cello Case
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| Saturday, May 20th, 2006
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7:54 pm - Censorship.
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Well, I haven't updated in a while. I've been...busy with school and emotional crisises! ><; Ahh! Sucky, sucky! I guess...I will just say...you probably don't want to know. Yes.
This week was very emotional and complex. On Monday, I decided to give my secret away. I also had delicious Vietnamise food. And...hmm...I can't remember what else happened that day. this may be a concern...
Tuesday was a day that until...Thursday seemed to be a complete blank. I had to dig into my memory to figure out what happened. And that night we had senior awards night. I have no idea as to what I did that day. ( I suppose that this is why I need to keep up this journal. ) Senior awards night...was okay. I got two awards. Nothing like...WOW but they were nice. I got really weird that day, I was super restless and irritated. I remember walking through Target but I didn't look at anything. I remember feeling panicked because I was frantically searching for something. I went to...three different stores and walked home in the dark. I don't remember that day well at all... which is actually very strange.
Wednesday. Ah, Wednesday. My 19th birthday. I had the weirdest nightmares and woke up really sick! I took cold medicine but...I'm pretty sure that I took the wrong pills because I kept passing out. :P So, I stayed in bed till six pm. Kara was in Los Alamos and Couri couldn't hang out...so...like I worm...I wollowed in self-pity. Hahaha... Then I watched the season finale of Top Model and was disappointed. I had absolutely NO energy the whole day. It was almost ridiculous. I seriously could NOT get out of bed. I wasn't even that sick...
But, I did have a silver lining because Kara came by for a little bit around ten that night. I was so happy. I felt bad though because I was so sad. She stayed for cheesecake then left. I was surprised that she came by..
The rest of the night was strange...because I sobbed in my room then my older sister came over. And, usually, I just suck it up in front of my family but...I just kept crying. She kidnapped me and we went shopping till one in the morning. We bought underwear and bling-rings .
Thursday, I woke up a bit...off. I guess I was disappointed with my birthday. I won't lie...It was horrible. Completely horrible. So, Thursday was just a day after. Kara brought me orange roses and gift card from her and her mommy. It was sweet. Then, Kara took me to see Linda. My counselor. SIGH. I really wanted to act like things were going fine...but when I got into her office...I collapsed onto her couch because I still had no energy. I told her that I believed things would just get worse. We talked for a while. She asked, "how concerned should I be?" I didn't know how to answer...so I just said that I didn't know. She suggested in-patient...and I was...floored. I mean...I won't lie, I knew it was coming when I woke up that morning but I was still surprised she would actually suggest it! Ah! So, I'm on a contract till Monday when she calls me with info on the place. I have no idea what to do. I'm pretty much...FREAKED out. I have no idea where to go from here. I'm too scared to go!
Friday, was graduation rehersal day and Grandpa's memorial service day. I invited Kara for Eggo waffles at eight that morning before having to go to rehersal at eight-thirty. It was nice because I haven't seen her at all this week! Rehersal was lame and aggrevating. Ahh! Everything was very confusing. Then, after that, I was off to Santa Fe for a military memorial for my grandpa, who died in December. It was hard because it brought back a lot of emotions that I haven't felt since his death. So...it was hard. The rest of the day was pretty...relaxed. Boring. But, relaxed.
And today...Saturday. Graduation. I'm too tired to write about it right now.
current mood: reflective
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| Sunday, May 7th, 2006
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3:06 pm
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There are no words to describe my loneliness. I've been alone for about two weeks but now the dull ache has developed into a throbbing wound.
I think it's over.
I think I'm over.
current mood:  lonely
current music: with or without you -- Casey Stratton
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| Sunday, April 2nd, 2006
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12:55 pm
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I don't think I should drink caffeine before sleeping. I had the worst nightmares last night.
And whenever I have nightmares, I wake up in a very off mood. Like...I don't know. Disconnected. Maybe.
I feel bad that I've missed so much conference. I think there's a part of me that desperately wants to stay connected to my religion but...I've already messed up so much...Ahh...
Yeah...nightmares weird me out the whole day.
My 15yr old tamagotchi grandma died this morning.
current mood: uncomfortable
current music: FF9
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| Sunday, March 26th, 2006
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2:23 pm - Church...Chicken.
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Unfortunately, I woke up ridiculously late and because of too many family members taking showers before me...I was ready too late to go to church. Aww. Now, my dad will be on my back! I guess that it's okay, though. I'd probably only miss women talking about how I should become a mother and a wife.
I sometimes think I should become a snail. Then I wouldn't necessarily need a man seed to reproduce...
Or some other kind of strange animal that reproduces on its own.
I mean, I could choose if I wanted offspring or not...Even though...I guess I CAN choose...
Ugh! I'm already rambling.
Anyway, on Friday night, after returning home from my lovely outing, I was on the computer for quite a while. Till like...1:30am! And when I finally got to bed for a night of sleeping...my poor Dog ( Lexi ) ...vomited twice in my room and then another time as I was rushing to let her outside! I spent about the next painful half hour cleaning up the messes. It was soooo gross! I wanted to die! But, aside from the fact that I was feeling sick from all the grossness of doggie puke-- I was worried sick about Lexi.
I finally went to bed at...3:30. And got up five minutes before her vet appointment.
Life was majorly complicated.
Yesterday, my older sister graced us with her presence. She brought along her Chihuahua, Sebastian. OMG. He's so, so, so cute! I die. Every time I look at him.
To make a very detailed story about yesterday shorter...I will just say...
We went to the park. Amari ran into the street. We saved her. Went home. Went to Sonic to purchase Slushes. Went to Sandy's to watch the recorded finale of Project Runway. Came back home. I scanned many pictures. Watched Chicken Little and Rent with my sisters. Then...
Slept. And woke up late this morning.
AND---that was the day.
My plans for today include...working on my online health class. And, coloring some pictures.
Like whoa.
AND NOW for something completely off subject --a quick and silly doodle of my character Noah.
current mood:  good
current music: Dadila -- Flamenco Oriental
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| Tuesday, March 21st, 2006
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4:58 pm - Gold Fish in a Bowl.
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Ohoho! School is like my worst nightmare. Even worse than my killer shark dreams! I was fifteen minutes late to first period...which is an absence. Sigh. The bitches were in my seat, and my teacher spelled Taco Bell wrong...she spelled it taco bel . Usually, she catches her mistakes ( which are many in number ) but not this time so...I was like...UGH?
-- In other news --
Mr.S and I have decided that the third period drama class will surely destroy us. Hormonal middle school girls are getting the best of us. Drama, drama, draaaama!
I'm going to have to start using my inhaler again... damn, phenomia that I had in December completely destroyed the mightiness of my lungs. My lungs have become the nerdy kids on the playground. They get beat up a lot now.
And because my lungs are wimpy, I'm sick right now...and my chest is tight and my breath catches! I have a choir concert tomorrow night...madness. Total madness!
Perhaps I could replace my lungs with ummm...small puffins? Yeah. Why not?
-- In MORE IMPORTANT news --
My love for Kara is...like... SO hardcore.
I got to call her from Mr. S's phone to check up on her. She's a cute little sick wimp. She's cute when she's sick! She came to school for fifth period because we were rehearsing her scene. I was really, really happy to see her. I had to keep my excitement in check.
Um! Yeah.
AND--
I'm thinking about my character Brinksi today. I want to give him some bad habits...cute ones, strange ones, oh-my-god-don't-tell-your-mother ones, and so on.
I've come up with a couple... But, I'd be happy for suggestions. Keep in mind that he's short, slightly insane, very talented in music and fashion design, hates locked doors and can be rather skanky.
If anyone can think of funny habits -- please share! :D
This is one unnecessarily long entry.
current mood:  calm
current music: Mirrormask -- Close to you
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| Monday, March 20th, 2006
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10:48 pm - Milano Cookie Whore.
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I had a sick day today! Lovely. But, I've spent hours on the computer! Oh my! I'm sure that I've made lots of people crazy!
But, overall. Very productive sick day. I colored and uploaded a couple of pictures into my deviantart account. Watched a Japanese horror film...but then felt sick and turned it off. I discovered how to upload images into my journal. And I'm very excited to upload more! :D
The puppy is sick. ;_; She's not eating and she wanted to spend all her time outside! She doesn't move much. And she looks really sad all the time! I'm not sure what to do. What does one do for depressed canines?
And Kara-love is sick too! Omg! I wanted to rush over to her house with soup and toast and love! I hope you feel better, my love! Take care of yourself! I love you sooo much! I hope she can go to school with me tomorrow. Because, spring break is coming up and we won't be seeing eachother for a week or so!
COURI! OMG! You'd better decide on a livejournal name! :D We'll have a great time commenting on journals and being all happy!
HERE'S YOUR GIFT, COURI!
Yes, I talked to Couri over AIM today! Which has been something that I've MEANT to do for like months! I'm happy that I did! I've missed her like you'd never believe! Its happy to reconnect!
I finished another chapter of my health class! That means one more to go! :D Alright! Sooo excited! I'm almost done. Perhaps, I will graduate! Crossing fingers! Hoping! I couldn't take another year of high school!
Tomorrow, I will be SUPER creative! I can feel the juices bubbling!
current mood: happy
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5:58 pm
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My character Brinksi! I wanted to throw him into my journal because he is oh so special.
current music: Rent --
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4:36 pm
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Sick day! I spent the whole day coloring! Discovered image hosting and decided to upload a picture I drew.
I also uploaded my deviantart account. Three new deviation in a day. That is very unusual.
Well, I will journal more later. Right now...I'm too busy wasting time.
current mood:  creative
current music: Mere Naseeb Mein
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| Saturday, March 11th, 2006
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11:24 pm - And the day was good.
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Well, I have been exceptionally busy this week. I had to work tech for a play at school and so I had a lot of time spent away from my house. But, I'm glad its over. :D
This week, Tuesday...I believe. We got a new addition to the family. A PUPPY! She's this cute, little, German Shephard mix. She's pretty chill. I'm trying to get used to her. Her paws are heavy and make lots of noise. My other dog Lexi is kind of freaked out about the whole thing, but she likes to play with the puppy ( Aphee) so...I think she's gonna be fine.
I wrote on a good day, I believe. I've been up and down all week. But, today was exceptional and ended on a very high note. Since my love now has rehersal every night for a month, I'm hoping that Saturday will be our love day. And today was a nice, first love day. We played with the dogs then hunted down Howl's Moving Castle. We watched it at my house and I ate soooo much crap! Unfortunately, there was a slip in timezones and no Project Runway Finale was seen. I don't want to know what happens until I watch it!
But...yes...
We were going to go see Mr. S in his play but then...as I was looking through my memory box and talking to her on the phone, I suggested making a bored game for her story. We had played my very old and slightly outdated Magnus ( my original story ) game a couple days before. So, I suggested that we make a new board game.
We had so much fun! It felt like being five years younger. I hadn't laughed so hard in a while. I felt like my old self. Not the new me...who is sad and whiny and lame.
I miss who I used to be.
But, yes. Today was good. And happy. And yes...
I feel very creative but I'm not sure how to channel it. I think I need to give my characters things to make them happy.
Maybe it will help me.
I wish I could help her...
current mood:  sleepy
current music: Coheed and Cambria -- Delirium Trigger
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| Thursday, March 2nd, 2006
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10:49 pm - I did it. But...ugh.
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There. Finally. After months and years procrastinating the ACT...I finally signed up.
I don't know why I'm trying though. I can already see that I won't do anything AMAZING. Perhaps, maybe, a twelve or sixteen. I'm not getting my hopes up.
I'm so bad at tests! Especially ones that are so important. I took a precaution and didn't send the results to any schools...just in case it was awful. Whimper. I'm just, seriously, afraid I won't do well at all!
Death.
I missed SI awareness day...damn. I really wanted to participate.
But, I was funny today. Sort of. And I bought nail care products. Just because I'm a sucker. I also went to the mall today so that I could purchase a refreshing drink. Orange Julius. Delicious!
current mood: scared
current music: Mohabbatein - Soni Soni ( remix )
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11:25 am - A morning in which...
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So, I've not been able to write for a couple days. I'm hoping this won't become habit! Aahh! I don't want to be lazier than I am already!
I will try to catch up on what has happened. Okay. Here I go. Let's hope I can remember. My school gave the seniors a week off because we weren't testing. so, I've been trying to make it a good break. Y'know...going out and doing things. NOT being a burden. But, sometimes I don't succeed.
Tuesday: I woke up late. ( Just like I have been ALL week! ) Kara and I decided to go buy memory boxes. It was my idea. I found it a bit corny but-- thats alright. I had the thought because she's leaving to go to school in the fall. All the way in IOWA. And since I'm lame and co-dependant and whiny - I decided I wanted a box to put special things that she's given me. Y'know, so when I miss her I can bring out the box and...cry more. ><; Hahaha! Oh well! It'll be fine.
But, yes. AFTER that we went on a picnic and had a serial conflegration ( serious conversation ). The food was good. I made a salami sandwich in a pita. ;D Super fantastic. Umm, we got to talking and I felt bad mostly because I'm soooo needy and ick. But, by the end of it. After I had spilled my deepest thoughts which are the shallowest ones....we drove around to look at houses. There was a slight glimmer of hope. We thought that maybe we could get a place together over the summer. But, I don't know. We'll see. I don't want to get my hopes up.
Her mother made a wonderful dinner. And it was good. We watched American Idol. And most of them were bad.
When I got home I wanted to go to bed early and tried to do so BUT-- I got sucked into obssessively filling my memory box. OMG. I stayed up past 1:30am! I was like. Oi. But, whatever, I found a lot of cute stuff.
And that was Tuesday.
Wednesday: After continuing my memory box, I sat on my ass and leveled up my characters on Final Fantasy. Because dweebiness is next to godliness. I was feeling like I should fight Jumbo Cactar but my fear overwhelmed my courage and I didn't. Damn! But, after about 2:30, Kara and I ran off to see Harry Potter at the dollar movies and I was like. Oi. There were little kids running around and I was getting sooo annoyed! I hate, hate, hate little kids. ( With some...not included. ) The movie seemed so long! I had to get up and pee like a billion times!
The movie ended and we went to Whole Foods. I entered another one of my...stupid "moodswings". I felt upset. So, I had a roll for dinner. Yup. One roll. I felt like an idiot but thats all I wanted.
And later at Sonic, I had another "moodswing" ( or whatever they are...) and started a big "discussion" with my love. And, we were all...icky because I make a scene about everything. I told her she should dump me and get away while she still can. But she had none of that. I'm glad she didn't agree...because I was kindof kidding. But, I wanted to give her the oppurtunity. But, ugh. We argued...and after...I think we both felt better...???
I told my mom about how I feel, but she's really good at making everything seem so unimportant. So, I've come to the conclusion that I'm fine. I just overract.
I'm practicing self-awareness.
And that brings me to today. Right now.
KARA I DO SUPPORT YOU GOING VEGAN! I SWEAR!
current mood: bored
current music: Bunty Aur Babli - Kajra Re
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balladchaser's journal